What Do We Really Need From Our Relationships?: A Conversation with Emily Freeze, MSW, RSW

Social wellness looks different for everyone. It’s not about having a packed calendar or a long list of friends, but about the relationships and connections that support our wellbeing. In this conversation, Emily Freeze, MSW, RSW, shares her thoughts on friendship, loneliness, boundaries, solitude, and knowing when a relationship no longer fits your life.

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What does social wellness mean to you?

Connections are a huge part of who we are as people and we are all wired for connection. How we do this and the way this looks for each of us can vary. Social Wellness means connection, relationships and health. When we have the right balance of social wellness for us as individuals, that should feel like contentment. When we have a disconnect in expectations and communication, our relationships can suffer.
Quality connections with friends, family, neighbours and community make our lives richer and fulfilled. Social connections can either fill our cup or drain it. Taking some time to figure out what that looks like for each of us is important to our well being and will change over our lifetime.

Does social wellness mean being social all the time?

Social wellness doesn’t mean that we have a full social calendar all of the time - that isn’t realistic nor is it always healthy. For some of us having a packed social calendar can deplete our social battery. The level of social engagement, quality friendships and community connections all depend on individuals’ personality and needs. For some of us social wellness can mean a small circle of 1-2 friends and attending a weekly church service can meet those needs. Others may need more friendships, more frequent social interactions and a larger community. Both are okay. Knowing yourself and working on understanding your own individual needs for social wellness helps you pace yourself and learn to take care of yourself the best you can. This ultimately sets you up for success. The quality of friendships and relationships with family, neighbours and the broader community really matter more so than the number of social events booked on your calendar.

Can you have lots of social interaction and still feel lonely?

I hear from many clients who have a lot of social events and they still feel very lonely. I also have clients who report high degrees of loneliness who are quite isolated and who are looking to increase their social connections. Social wellness is very individualized, depending on the person and their needs. The quality of the interactions for every individual really matters more so than the volume. Many people report the experience of being in a huge crowd and feeling like they are invisible which can be quite stressful. When it comes to filling your social battery, quality matters. What do you need to feel good about yourself and your relationships? This is where I encourage people to start.

Why does the quality of our relationships often matter more than the number of them?

The quality of our relationships matter more than anything. People can have 10 friends but if you can’t count on them or they’re not trustworthy then you really don’t have 10 friends, you have 10 acquaintances. Having 10 people that we are trying to navigate relationships with who don’t see us, and don't respond when we need them can be very invalidating and stressful. Connections where we feel valued, seen and heard are the ones we need. These are the relationships we need to pour into. The people with the highest degrees of social wellness are people who focus on quality of relationships and connections over volume. These are often the people in our lives we feel comfortable with, cared for and who make us a priority.

Why do some people make us feel more like ourselves?

There are people who come into our lives who really just fit- just like a puzzle piece. These people often clearly communicate, follow through with what they say they are going to do and are trustworthy. These building blocks that set the relationship up for success. These connections end up filling our social cups. We often feel more balanced and content after these interactions. Investing in these relationships are where we should focus! We don’t need a huge amount of these relationships but we do need a few quality relationships. It’s okay that the relationship is imperfect, there are always ebbs and flows, but both parties should be invested in the relationship and it should feel safe.


How do communication and boundaries support healthier relationships?

Clear communication goes a long way in setting a relationship up for success whether this is an intimate partner relationship, a friendship or a work colleague. Knowing yourself and what you need is the best place to start before we look at relationships and social wellness. “What do I need?” Everyone has different needs. Knowing what you need in relationships can help you grow certain relationships or know when to step back from unhealthy relationships. Boundaries are to protect us first and foremost. Having healthy boundaries with people starts with understanding yourself first. Boundaries aren’t a mean or dirty word, it’s about respect. Ask yourself: “What relationships do I feel respected in?” If you're unsure or struggling with relationships and you need someone to talk to, a counsellor is a great place to start. This person should make you feel safe and heard and provide neutral professional support as you navigate these pieces.

What happens when we outgrow a friendship or social circle?

Not all connections last a lifetime. Many only last for a season of one's life. Knowing when a person or group isn’t aligned with us and our values, seeing it, accepting it and then asking yourself “what do I need to do about this?” Some relationships will naturally ebb and flow and that can be okay. Trying to force or hold onto a relationship that isn’t balanced ends up being quite painful for many of us. Start by trusting yourself around what is best for you at this point in your life.

Can solitude actually be part of social wellness?

Taking time for ourselves is a huge part of our overall wellness. Some people may need a couple of hours to recharge while others may require much more. Both are okay. Setting yourself up for success starts with understanding what you need and what fills your social cup. What works for others isn’t going to work for you. Prioritizing your own health and wellness with rest is fundamental for healthy relationships.

Anything else you’d like to add?

Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat… most of us are connected on social media but that doesn’t equate to social wellness. Notice how you feel about yourself after using certain apps- if you end up comparing yourself to others on Instagram but end up smiling when you send pictures on Snapchat, set yourself up for success by limiting the apps that don’t serve you. Many of us struggle with feeling inadequate and social media doesn’t equate to filling our social wellness cup. Aligning your values can foster relationships and improve social wellness.

Thank you, Kristen, for this opportunity to connect and I hope that everyone is taking some time for their own social wellness. Feel free to connect on Facebook: Therapy with Emily Freeze, MSW, RSW.

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There is no one right way to experience connection. Understanding what you need from your relationships, and paying attention to how they make you feel, can help you build and maintain connections that support your wellbeing.